Taste Testing

17 Apr, 2026

Hello again! Now, where was I?

Feeling a trifle peckish, I searched for victuals among the sprawling roadways, the stony lots where the iron beasts roosted, and the impersonal shops of urban Earth. (Note to self: I shall soon investigate the countryside; I fear I may go mad if I linger in this city, this hurricane of sound and motion, for too long.) Seeing signs for "hamburgers", I elected to try McDonald's eating establishment over the Burger King's, because I am not yet prepared to meet the royalty of this world (although this raises new questions: Is the burger king himself a burger who is king, or does he rule over burgers as subjects? If even the culinary arts are governed by despots, what is left to the people? Does the Burger King rule by the mandate of heaven? My head hurts).

I let my levitation charm guide me to the ground with the gentlest of landings and stepped inside McDonald's tavern. Inside, virtually everything was crafted of some sort of light, soft material with a waxy luster, from the utensils to the tables to even the gaudy decorations. I collected samples for further research, which seemed to draw the ire of those present.

After examining the seating area and being denied access to the kitchen because I was a "dirty old man" with "mice in my beard", or some such, I made my way to the counter. Here, one must ask for a specific food, whereupon the attendants produce your choice of victuals from the mysterious kitchen. Oh, and paying before you take your food (NOT after) is crucial---not even water is free! Apparently the standard currency is a small card made of the same soft material as the forks, but one doesn't merely hand them over, one must swipe them through an apparatus that beeps and flashes lights. I suppose these Earthlings just like their blinking lights, for they seems to carry little glowing rectangles with them everywhere. Light as currency... Alas, since I had no card, I was forced to pay with gold doubloons, which the attendant accepted with confusion.

The food was tasty, but confusing. The fries are not "French", as advertised, and the hamburger contained no ham. I asked to speak with McDonald, in order to confront him over his fraud, but there was only an irritated-looking¹ individual named Brandi, who informed me that this McDonald fellow is but a fiction. I am baffled.

I asked the attendant if the Burger King rules by divine right. She told me to leave. Further research shall be conducted!